Rawkers shutout Rollers in 2025 Homegrown kickball

First-year Rollers coach Kaylee Matuszak did all she could to inspire her team, but her players rarely made it beyond second base in a 4-0 loss to Leon Rohrbaugh’s Rawkers in the Homegrown Kickball Classic. At least, that’s what happened if you believe the liberal media.

“Team Saturday Night takes it,” Matuszak wrote on Facebook shortly after the game. “If you hear we lost 4-0, that’s fake news and you cannot prove it and also I won’t speak to you without an attorney.”

According to the apparently biased narrative put forward by socialists, the Rawkers scored one run in the third inning, two in the fourth and one more in the sixth to seal the win.

“Hot Mess” Tess LaChester, wearing her junior prom dress and a tiara, was the first to cross home plate. Scorekeepers marked it as a pure home run despite some inept fielding by the Rollers, who may have been distracted by the bright pink gown.

In the top of the fourth, Rawkers first-base coach Ryan Nelson pulled the old trick of shouting “look out!” as Rollers first baseman Blake Romenesko attempted to catch a lazy pop fly. The tactic proved effective as Romenesko flinched and dropped the ball. That proved costly moments later when Josh Nickila stepped to the plate and booted in two runs to push the score to 3-0.

In the fifth inning, Scott “Starfire” Lunt grounded the ball to Rawkers pitcher Chad Lyons, who pelted Starfire with the ball for an out. Rollers teammate Robby Isaacs took offense to the aggressive move, referring to it as a “hate crime.”

Also in the fifth, Chad Brown struck out, but umpire Jason Beckman declared “there are no strikeouts in kickball,” so Brown was given another chance and grounded out.

The Rollers fell for the Rawkers bunt game in the top of the sixth. With runners on first and third with one out, Paul Connolly fielded a Rawkers grounder and took the easy out at first, allowing the lead runner to score on the fielder’s choice. That made it 4-0 with two outs and a runner on second. The inning ended with Steve Solkela, Jesse Hoheisel and Chad Brown all contributing to a catch after the ball bounced around among them.

Aggressive base running in the bottom of the sixth resulted in Solkela getting out at second after trying to advance to third. He made it within eight feet of third before retreating to second and getting out.

During an excessively long “Seventh-inning Sip,” the Rawkers huddled to strategize.

“We’re gonna do small kicks on the ground. Can we do that?” Nick Pawlenty asked of his teammates, wondering if the bunt game could produce a run.

“Just tap it,” another voice quietly agreed.

The Rollers threatened to score in the eighth inning, but Jesse Hoheisel failed to advance from second to third in a critical situation. He would have scored on the next play but was instead forced out.

Sensing the ninth inning was the last chance for the Rollers, Solkela gathered his teammates for the final pep talk.

“They put me in charge of the speech, and that’s never a good idea,” he began. “I’m disappointed in each and every one of you. I wish your fathers hit you harder, but as I told my pep band in college, ‘blow hard, finger fast, lose your scholarship, fuck it all up.’ Whatever you do, leave your legacy, even if it’s ugly. I came into this world kickin’, screamin’, covered in blood, and I’m prepared to go out the same way.”

This was followed by an explosion of players shouting “Yeeeeah!” and “Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!”

Matuszak then wrapped it up: “And no matter what, we had fun. But also, blast it out on social media that we won even if we don’t.”

The moral being, if you can’t win the game, win the narrative.

Solkela managed to reach first base on a Homegrown-miracle popup that Lyons managed to muff, flopping face-first into the dirt. But that was all the offense the Rollers could muster.

In spite of the faceplant, or perhaps in recognition of its hilarity, Lyons was named MVP. To his credit, he did pitch a shutout. After being presented with a game ball signed by his teammates and a World Wrestling Entertainment commemorative championship belt, Lyons was doused with beer.

He first raised his PBR tallboy, then the belt, and began his acceptance speech.

“If you guys want to come sniff my belt, it’s this one,” he said, pointing away from the WWE belt to the one holding up his pants.

Lyons then announced his retirement from the sport, noting he plans to enter the broadcasting field as a kickball commentator.

The coaches met in the infield in the usual show of sportsmanship. Rohrbaugh doused Matuszak with a Blacklist beer in a fashion more choreographed than usual, with Matuszak splaying her arms out to accept the amber shower in front of a photographer as if she’d lost a bet and had to pay up. The two then embraced in the Homegrown spirit of either pretending to love your enemy or genuinely loving the enemy you pretend to hate for fun.